My Immortal
by Anaxandra
Summary: In the year 1986, a prisoner thinks about the events that led up to his present situations and mourns the people he lost five years earlier. A one part Evanescence songfic.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. They are the property of the goddess of all writing: J.K. Rowling. Also, I do not own the rights to the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence. I am merely borrowing these elements for my own personal amusement rather than profit.

My Immortal

Part One: So Tired Of Being Here

Darkness enveloped the island fortress as night overcame day once again. The comforting twinkle of stars was concealed as thick ebony clouds trekked across the sky. The half-moon was barely visible and had a tone of deep mourning about it. The choppy waters crashed uncaring onto the rocky shores while a heavy, icy wind swept through the cracked walls.

Inky black shadows could be seen as one approached the front gates. Heavily-cloaked creatures passed the barred windows that poked out along the stone barriers. The iron-spiked gate lazily creaked open. A putrid smell filled the nostrils as one stepped inside and a wave of cold could be felt.

The uneven stones lining the dusty floor echoed one's footsteps throughout the building. Rows of cage-like cells could be seen down the numerous hallways. As one walked cautiously through the immense edifice, shrieks of terror and moans of anguish pierced the otherwise silent night. The hairs on the back of one's neck prickled at the panic-ridden sounds surrounding them.

As one stepped farther inside the castle-like structure, the screams seemed to decrease dramatically to almost a hushed tone. Silence now pressed menacingly on one's ears as the halls became narrower and the cells farther apart.

At the very end of one extremely twisted corridor was a single cell. While most occupants of these minuscule rooms shrieked almost around the clock, this specific person was unusually silent. Two of the ghostlike creatures stood almost menacingly in front of this cell.

If one were to peer inside, a blurry shadow could be seen along one of the walls where the barest of moonlight was reflected. In the corner of the enclosed room, a solitary form lay on the floor staring out it's barred window. The figure seemed almost dead except for the sound of light, ragged breaths. This person's name was Sirius Black.

** I'm so tired of being here **

Sirius glanced subconsciously at the window along the right side of his cell. The stream of light was a welcome comfort from the normally pitched darkness. He ran a thin, bony hand through the shoulder-length mass of matted black hair that clung to his worn and tattered gray robes. The thin cotton material of these garments were unsuited for the bitter cold that constantly filled the air.

A slight shiver shot through Sirius's back and he rubbed his arms in an effort to warm himself. _This damn place is in desperate need of a fireplace_, the man thought sarcastically. But he knew all to well that this was part of the punishment of this place known as Azkaban. The almost unbearable chill along with the constant reminders of one's guilt made this place hell on earth.

** Suppressed by all my childish fears **

Though while most of the people confined within the prison deserved the insufferable torture, Sirius Black did not. For Sirius Black was innocent, a man wrongly accused of the cold-blooded murder of thirteen innocent people and the fatal betrayal of two others.

Sirius bared his teeth in an almost animal-like scowl as he thought of the predicament that had caused him to be thrown in here. He was accused not only of killing innocent muggles who never bothered anybody, but of betraying his two best friends and sending them to their deaths. Shaking his head, Sirius could not get rid of the image of seeing the dead bodies of his friends lying helplessly on the floor, eyes widened in shock. He had always been able to somehow erase those memories before they caused too much pain, but tonight he found he could not.

He pondered this for awhile and a realization hit him. How long had he been in here? It felt like decades, but he knew better. Sirius glimpsed at the stone wall behind him where he had been marking each time the sun came up. Counting the jagged lines, the prisoner found that he had been in this place for exactly five years.

That explained why he couldn't get the image of his dead friends out of his mind tonight. Today was the anniversary of their untimely death...and it was all his fault. _No_, thought Sirius as he closed his pale eyes shut_, It was not your fault. You had no idea...but if it hadn't been for me...if I hadn't..._Sirius allowed this thought to run rampant in his head for a few minutes causing a few tears to trickle down his pale face. _Lily...James...you didn't deserve to die that night...Harry...you didn't deserve to lose your parents like that...because of my stupidity...my failure...my weakness..._

** And if you have to leave **

_No...I must stay focused...I am innocent...I didn't do the things they say I did...I don't deserve this place..._Sirius repeated these phrases over and over again. He forced his eyes open so as to prevent the memory from doing anymore damage than it already had. As he stared almost unblinkingly at the slightly damp ceiling, he continued to repeat the phrase to himself.

Suddenly, a flash of color appeared on the black stone above Sirius. Was that his imagination? Sirius waited and then...there it was again. This time there were more colors and they lasted longer. He waited a bit longer and saw it again. Only now it stayed, the colors swirled around each other until they formed a distinctive shape.

** I wish that you would just leave **

A human face was now staring back at Sirius. The black-haired man gasped in surprise at who he saw looking down at him. The person had sable hair that stood up in various directions around their head...their skin was pale and contrasted greatly with the darkness of the hair...a pair of ebony-rimmed glasses could be seen perched on a thin nose...the glasses framed a pair of intelligent yet warm hazel eyes. James Potter, his best friend, the person whose life he destroyed when he trusted the wrong personwas peering into Sirius's cerulean eyes.

** Because your presence still lingers here **

Sirius grunted in surprise at the sight of his friend's eyes. Those eyes that had once been filled with mischief and hope, but in a matter of seconds had been reduced to cold and lifeless. In frustration he placed his skeletal hands over his face to bloke the sight. Unfortunately, the image of his friend's dead body had been permanently tattooed in his mind. Everything from the slightly ruffled robes to the bloody gash across one cheek.

** And it won't leave me alone **

_NO!, _screamed Sirius's subconscious, _Get rid of the image, Sirius. Get rid of it before you fall under the dementors' spell...again._ The prisoner knew full well how much the dementors loved to float by his door and watch him squirm with the memories. Now granted they didn't affect him as much as they would others, due to his innocence, but that didn't make him immune from the memories.

Day and night, he could hear the sounds of James's enthusiasm from when they had found the Animagus spell as well as the sight of his best friend sweeping Lily in his arms after exchanging vows. Their lives had been so happy despite the horrors going on around them. They had been so in love with each other as well as their son, Harry. But, their lives had been destroyed in one way or another because of his weakness and a dirty rotten rat.

** These wounds won't seem to heal **

And the memory that always stuck with Sirius was Halloween night, five years ago. It seemed that it was an annoying cut that refused to be healed no matter what he did. The pain just kept coming back, sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but still persistent.

_James...Lily...I didn't kill you with my own wand, but I'm still responsible. It was my weakness...my 'brilliant' plan to fool Voldemort...and it cost you your lives. Harry...all because of me...you lost your parents...because of me. I was supposed to be James's best friend, his brother in every way_, _but blood...he trusted me with his family...and what did I do? I condemned him and Lily to an early death...and Harry to a life as an orphan._

** This pain is just too real **

His heart ached once again as his memories returned to that night, that horrible Halloween night where his life as he knew it ended...finding James cold as ice on the living room floor, a small puddle of blood emerging behind his head...seeing Lily, her beautiful emerald eyes wide and still full of defiance. She was one of the most stubborn people Sirius had ever met and it seemed she held onto that characteristic to her death.

And then there was Harry. The little baby boy who was wailing at the top of his lungs in Hagrid's arms. A bleeding gash marring the otherwise perfect skin on his face. Even Hagrid, usually so resolved, together, and calm, had a brokenhearted expression. It was that normally happy giant's saddened face and the cries of the now orphaned baby that turned up the anger for the little traitorous rat.

** There's just too much that time cannot erase **

Sirius's thoughts were suddenly overtaken by an image, one that he had tried to repress for years. It was just too beautiful to allow the dementors to capture. But, like the other occupants of the prison, sometimes your thoughts did not yield to your commands.

The sound of a motorcycle could be heard below him. The feel of the wind slapping his face was a welcome sign of Sirius's feelings. Then, in an abrupt moment, a large house appeared below the flying vehicle. Sirius had just touched the ground outside the house when a tall, thin man came running out towards him.

"Sirius! Thank goodness you're on time!" James blurted out as he dragged his best friend by his arm behind him.

"Prongs! It'll be all right! Just calm down!" Sirius responded.

** When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears **

James glared at him, "Calm down? I am calm! I am perfectly calm! My wife is only having our first baby! Of course I'm calm!" Sirius chose very wisely to ignore the sudden impulse to answer. He simply followed his harried friend through the crowded hallways while James guided Sirius upstairs towards their bedroom.

As soon as Sirius stepped outside the door, a high-pitched shriek rattled the windows, "JAMES POTTER!! YOU DID THIS TO ME! I DON'T WANT YOU ANYWHERE NEAR ME EVER AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME??"

"She's not very tolerant of pain..." James gently pushed open the bedroom door and motioned Sirius to join him. The room smelled of antiseptic and other strange chemicals that reminded Sirius strongly of a potions project gone wrong. A small group of white-robed wizards and witches were crowded around the bed. James weeded his way through the mass while Sirius watched on in awe.

Sirius heard his friend speak softly inside the crowd, "Hey there, honey! You're doing great. The doctor says it won't be long now."

"I DON'T CARE WHAT THAT DOCTOR SAYS! HE'S NOT THE ONE HAVING THIS BABY...I AM! JAMES, I WANT THIS BABY OUT NOW!!"

"She's one of the best screamers I've ever heard..." Sirius overheard a nurse exclaim as she hurried down the steps.

James's pale, but excited face poked out of the mass of arms, "Come on, Sirius. It's almost time!"

Sirius had to smile at that expression. He didn't think he'd ever seen James so happy not even when they had won the Quidditch Cup in their sixth year. Sucking in as much as he could, he wormed his way through the doctors and found himself standing next to the bed.

Lily was lying on the cool-looking sheets, her hair flaming around her in massive tangles. Her normally sparkling emerald eyes were darkened by extreme pain and her teeth were bared against the strain of her labor. James was sitting next to her with his left hand being clenched by Lily's formidable fist. A slightly pained expression appeared on his pale face, but he didn't mutter a sound of complaint.

"Hey, Lils. How are you doing?" Sirius spoke the words before he realized what he was doing. Grimacing inwardly, he prepared himself for the verbal bashing he knew he deserved.

Surprisingly, Lily responded at a more normal volume than she had been using, "Hello Sirius. I'm doing about as well as can be expected." Then, the redhead's body was racked by pain so great she seemed to almost break James's fingers. As the contraction slowly subsided, Sirius caught a glance at the tiredness in both of his good friends' faces. He reached over and patted Lily's right hand in assurance. She turned thankful eyes on him before focusing on the task ahead.

Lily pushed and moaned for fifteen more minutes, almost crushing all the bones in both James and Sirius's hands. Sirius couldn't recall much more about those moments except for the emergence of Peter and Remus to their sides. Finally, the doctor told Sirius, Remus, and Peter that they had to leave until after the birth.

** When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears **

Reluctantly, the friends wandered outside and stood on the other side of the door, listening intently. After what seemed like an hour, but was probably ten minutes, a straggled cry echoed through the room.

"It's a boy!" Sirius heard the doctor exclaim. His comments were then drowned out by jubilant shouts coming from none other than James. Lily's soft laughter could be heard among James's mindless chatter. Suddenly, the door opened and Sirius, Remus, and Peter fell onto the floor inside the bedroom. Sheepishly, they rose and strained to see the bed that was surrounded by nurses.

"Come on in. They've been asking for you," the doctor spoke to the embarrassed trio. They quickly forgot about the door incident and hurried to Lily's bedside to get their first glimpse of the second generation of Marauders. A tiny bundle was lying peacefully in Lily's arms with James looking in proudly.

The redhead looked up and grinned, "Come see...here he is, finally." Sirius found himself peering into the most perfect face he had ever seen. The little boy had smooth pale skin that contrasted with the messy mob of black hair peeking out from under the blue blanket. His eyes were closed in a sense of peacefulness, but Sirius could see they the slight lines of thick lashes. He stared into that angelic face for a long time, ignoring all the other activity around him.

Lily's voice managed to break him from his trance-like state, "Would you like to hold him, Sirius?"

"What?" Sirius didn't understand, "Why me?"

James glanced at his wife before answering, "Because as godfather you have the right to hold your godson."

Sirius stared into his friend's hazel eyes for a moment not comprehending what had just been said. Then the realization hit him like a lightning bolt.

"What? Godfather? Me?" the stunned man stammered as the small baby was gently placed in his outstretched arms. Surprised by the sudden weight, Sirius looked down and saw the little boy snuggle into the crook of his elbow like a cat. He felt a sense of calm and almost peacefulness be restored into his soul as he delicately held the precious life form.

** I held your hand through all of these years **

Then, without warning, Sirius felt a hand clasp his shoulder. With reflexes from his training as an Auror, the dark-haired man swiveled around while clutching the baby to his chest. He breathed a sigh of relief when he recognized the person who had touched him, James. Reluctantly, Sirius handed over his godson and he was suddenly awestruck by the expression of pure joy and happiness that crossed his friend's face. James smiled down at the tiny bundle in his arms for a brief moment before shifting his gaze to Sirius. A pair of tear-filled hazel eyes met his blue ones and Sirius was lost to the world of reality once again.

A wave of black swirled around the touching scene while Sirius reached out for his friend's face. _James...no...no...don't...please...don't leave me. _The bright green decor of the Potter's bedroom blurred and eventually become nonexistent as did the faces of the numerous people crowded around the bed. Finally, the only identifiable people were James and his son, both of them staring at Sirius with unreadable expressions. _It is my fault...my fault...if it weren't for me...none of this would have ever happened...I didn't deserve your trust, Lily, James...Harry. Please forgive me!_ Then in the span of one deep breath, the entire image was erased and Sirius was left alone in the dark as he had been for the past five years.

** But you still held all of me **


End file.
